Refining

The past two and half months have been an incredibly refining time.  There is nothing like moving in with someone to teach you a lot about yourself...it happened in college, it happened when Andy and I got married, and it's happened since we've been living here.  I have relearned something I already knew--but to a much larger extent.  I need wide margins.  I need time to be.  To be alone.  To be away from people.  To be free to do my own thing for some amount of time.  This is something I have struggled with off and on since Liam was born, and it's been a real struggle recently.  Right now, I am home alone.  And it's blissful.  I am planning out my last minutes of alone time: I am going to finish this, then I am going to eat a banana with peanut butter and chocolate syrup for dinner, then I am going to go find something to watch on tv.  All of these are things I could do with others around (maybe not the banana for dinner thing...Andy and Liam don't groove on that the way I do), but because I can do it alone, it's instantly more satisfying.  I need time to think, to create, to plan, to process, and to do.  In all seriousness, Andy makes fun of how often I look for new houses, but it's something I need to do.  I choose a house, I fixate on it, and when it sells I feel sad for about four hours, then I convince myself of a few reasons why that wasn't the house for us, and find a new one that I think is way better for X number of reasons.  Although, admittedly, my current crush may take me more than a few hours to get over if it doesn't sell.  It's a custom home with a serious midcentury modern vibe, crazy hardwoods, and a walkway and a loft...and the loft has knotty pine tongue and groove ceilings.  It needs some serious paint/wallpaper removal...but it's a real charmer and and I do some seriously awesome things to it.  And it's yard is amazeballs...and .38 acres with a lake down the way.  And a park in the neighborhood...and it's off the main drag in the northside suburb I want to live it.  And it's closer to our church than Andy's parents' house (like 20 mins instead of 30).  So yeah.  I have learned that I need alone time, and it makes me batty not to get it.  And I need to have hope that the future will be different...that some day we will be in our own place again.